Trying to figure it all out....

This week Jamie, at Jamie Ridler Studios asks us, "What Luxury Do You Wish For?" 

It only took me a moment of pondering this weeks question.  I believe my heart actually took over for a bit and I feel this answer all the way down to my toes.

I'd so love to have the luxury of not living in my head ... to be able to unconsiously notice what's happening around me.  The call of crow ... a falling leaf ... the birds and squirrels eating from our feeders.  Right now it takes a lot for me to live in the present ... to be here now.

There are times I'm able to catch myself "living in my head".  Today was one of those days ... and it only lasted for about 15 minutes before my mind (ego) took over and went on its merry way of spinning wheels in my head.  Those brief moments are a joy though and I wonder how long I have to train myself to be here ... now.

To not live with this thing called depression or anxiety ... to release it and let the universe gobble it up.  To take all these thoughts, which hold me tightly, and just fling them out to the universe and say "here you go".  Then wipe my hands of them and go on my merry way of enjoying each and everything the universe has to show me.

That would be pure luxury ...

No, I do not usually clothes shop ... I can't even begin to tell you the last time I went shopping for clothes, it's been that long ago.  Yesterday I got a real wild hair and decided to break down and go. 

Three pair of cargo pants, three sweaters, three tops, a pocketbook and four and a half hours later I was back home thinking how much fun I'd had.  Yeah, must of been something in the air cause I'm more likely to buy something for someone else other than myself.  The wonderful husband and one of my friends told me it must be a sign I'm feeling better about myself.  I dunno ... either that or I'm tired of the same ole clothes year after year ... finally.

I'm thinking it's more in planning our trip down to Virginia this weekend.  I'm so excited as it's my granddaughter's first birthday.  When I told my mom I'd been shopping she replied "so you won't be wearing the jeans the dog chewed the pocket out of?"  Uhhhh...yeah...so it's been a really long time since I'd been shopping.  She got me my last pocket book ... ten years ago.  I'm not a shopper ... I use or wear something until it wears out. 

I even went to the mall ... I do not like malls.  Seeing as how they  had torn down the Old Navy and Borders in the strip mall beside the JCPenney (when did that happen?!), I really had no choice.  Unfortunately I didn't need to waste my time in the mall.  It seems the only size pants they had were either two's or sixteen's.  What happened to the sizes in between?!  They also didn't have a bookstore in the mall, so I ended up going down the street from us and picking "The Joy Diet" up from the Borders there. 

So ... yeah ... I'm still marveling that I spent four and a half hours shopping yesterday.  I was waiting for a huge thunder storm or something.  Wonder how many more years it'll be before I venture out again?!?

Luna asks .... and I say:

1. Disconnect :: Phone
2. Contribute :: Give back
3. Dismay :: Sad
4. Constant :: Chatter
5. Nails :: Hammer
6. Vibrate :: lol
7. Therapy :: Awesome
8. Stupid :: People
9. Poo :: Piglet
10. Commune :: Nature

Had trouble with dismay and vibrate made me laugh ... guess in my mind it's a silly word and brings about silly images.

Why all the twitching you may ask ... I'm asking the same thing.  This Klonopin withdrawel can last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a couple of months.  I'm hoping mine will be of the couple of weeks type and I can stop this weird twitching and trembling.

I was told Klonopin is a narcotic and affects the central nervous system.  I was also told taking one pill was the equivalent of drinking two large glasses of wine.  When you deny your central nervous system this it complains ... and boy is it complaining.


As I type this my hands will sometimes jump from the key board.  If I'm using the mouse a twitch will cause me to lift my hand completely off the desk.  My legs have their own little dance going on.  It's just a weird feeling ... like I'm no longer in charge of my body parts.  Good thing I'm not a brain surgeon isn't it? 

I still had a productive day and tried to stay busy so I could ignore all the twitches.  Laundry was done, folded and put away.  I've found if I wash my clothes before the wonderful husbands I'm better at getting it folded and put away.  I'm known for leaving my laundry in the dryer for days ... talk about wrinkles.

I felt antsy so snuck out the porch door so the mutleys wouldn't go nuts and headed back to the tomato plants.  They looked so sad withering up and dying for the season.  I plucked any green tomatoes, which were hard as baseballs, and the yucky red ones and threw them in the small compost pile.  (Wow, the compost looks so awesome.  Can't wait to use it next spring.)  The plants themselves went into the large compost pile ... which was looking pretty good itself.  I like to call it "black gold".

I was weary of getting my cross stitch out, but it wasn't too bad.  I would twitch and sometimes have trouble hitting holes, but other than that I was very productive.  This sampler is so much fun to stitch.  For one thing the linen is so very soft it feels silky when I handle it.  Another plus is I'm doing this "in hand" instead of on a hoop.  I love, love, love stitching in hand.  It's so relaxing and calming.

This afternoon I decided to take a nap and sleep off some of the twitches.  To be honest I was getting irritated with them and wanted a break.  I didn't feel the least bit guilty like I can sometimes.  I felt like with my productive morning I deserved it ...

Woot ... another pumpkin stitched (on the far right) and I've got a start on the rake.  I even stitched a little bit on her dress (top left).  I feel like I got a lot accomplished on this wonderful piece this week.

Stitching with the oranges, yellows and browns in the pumkins while the leaves change outside is therapy in itself.  I haven't decided whether I'm going to work on this again this week or move on with the rotation. 

As I was stitching one night the wonderful husband stopped and watched for a bit.  He then made a comment about all those little x's making a beautiful painting.  He just doesn't understand how it happens.  Sometimes I don't either! :)

my cross stitch needles that is.  I finally made it back to Michael' today to pick up the pack of needles and floss I forgot on Saturday while I was there.

I left the house with a plan ... drop off my prescription ... head to Michael's ... then be at my pet sitting job at noon.  It didn't happen.  I was stuck in the line from hell at Michael's for twenty minutes.  It was okay as I made friends with the ladies surrounding.  We bitched and moaned together for a bit, but soon talked about our kids, grandkids and other life happenings.  The lady in front of me was even nice enough to give me a 40% off coupon.  The grand total of my purchase coming to $1.39.  It was worth the twenty minute wait to talk and get a good discount.

I miss having the Rag Shop right up the road.  It only took me about five minutes to get there, where as now it takes me twenty minutes to get to Michael's.  The closest cross stitch shop is thirty to forty minutes away.  Most of my stuff I order online, but when you only need a couple skeins of floss or a pack of needles (and need them immediately) Michael's is the only store left.  It's sad really.

So ... I'm happily stitching away and no longer have to keep changing the needle with each change of color.  It's going much faster and you'll be able to see the results tomorrow.   I'm really enjoying stitching on this piece again ... it's the perfect time of year to work on it ...

Jamie always asks the most thought provoking questions.  This week is no exception.  After giving it a bit of thought my answer came to me.  I wish to stretch my wings and do more for dogs.  Friday is last last day doing the group therapy and I really wish to find something to do with my spare time.  I haven't volunteered in years, and know it's my lifes calling.  I know I can do so much for the dogs in the shelters.  I'd be an asset the the shelter I'm going to be volunteering for.

I guess it's in rememberance of the four year anniversary of going down and helping out the Humane Society of LA. after hurricane Katrina.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.  It wore me out physically, mentally and emotionally ... but spiritually it was the highest I've ever felt.  I remember saving a few lives while we were there and it was gratifying work.  I want that feeling back again ... although I do wish to forgo the other three parts.  I have to put a boundary up and not feel like I have to bring anyone home with me.  I'm perfectly satisfied with three mutts and don't want to get the pack back up to four.

Last week I also put a request out to the universe asking for a few more pet sitting jobs on and off.  Monday I got a call from a gentleman who got my phone number from the animal hospital I used to work at.  I was really surprised they actually had put my name on the list of pet sitters they recommend.  Unfortunately he needed someone to stay over night with his dogs and it's just not fesible for me to do at this time.  Not with three mutts of my own who sleep with me at night.  It got me thinking I need to come up with my fees and some paper work for the client to fill out.  Really got me happy ... so I'd like to stretch my wings out into the universe and put my request out there.  Both for my volunteer work (with my long term goal of going out to Dogtown for a week and working)  and to acquire a couple more pet sitting clients.

This afternoon has been spent making appointments.  Friday is my last day with the partial hospitalization program so I had to call my therapist to see her next week.  I've decided I really need to start caring for myself medically so yesterday was my physical at my general practicioners office.

Today appointments were made for a mammogram and my gynecologist.  I haven't done either for almost five years.  Since I'm close to...or reaching middle age I know these are both very important medical stuff I need to do.

I also had to call my insurance company to see if the psychiatrist recommended to me was in our net work.  Of course not ... so I got a list of five female doctors in the area.  I'd been on the phone for a good while and everyone was very nice and cordial.  I'm always pleasant on the phone ... even if it's to call and bitch about something.  My theory is you can catch more flies with honey than with vinager.

All was going excellent until I called one of the psychiatrist's numbers.  The lady answering the phone only stated "doctors office".  I explained what I was calling for and let her know my insurance company had given me their name.  She put me on hold for a bit and came back ... nasty and rude.  I was going to ask her something and her reply was "before we can do anything I want your insurance company and ID number."  It just hit me the wrong way and I politely replied, "ma'am ... you've been very rude and I'll be calling someone else to set up and appointment...thank you...good-bye."   She tried interrupting me in the middle but I paid no mind.  I stayed pleasant the entire time and patted myself on the back when I hung up.  I prefer not to do business with such people.

So ... my month of October is filling up with all kinds of exciting appointments.  I'm gonna be a new woman when I get all of this taken care of.  Next on the list is my dentist and my ear doctor...

I'm feeling very strange today with very weird (and annoying) stuff going on with my body.  Is it still the withdrawal from the Klonopin or is it one of the new medications ... or is it ... My mind spins trying to figure out what the Hades is going on with my body and mind.  I'm feeling depressed and anxious.

Guess I should explain.  To write it down and, hopefully, feel a little better about getting it out.

Over the past week ... on and off ... I've been having numbing sensations in different parts of my body.  Today has been the worse and right now it's the back of my neck.  I also have muscle spasms, which make various parts of my body "jump" out of nowhere.  The weirdest place is my face ... of course it doesn't jump but kind of scrunches up.

Today all of it has been worse, with another very strange happening.  This morning I had an "out of mind" experience.  I was sitting on the front porch having my first cigarette of the day with my coffee when it happened.  It was like I was sitting there and a part of me was separated from me ... looking down and seeing my thoughts go by.  Very, very, strange.

It's been a week today I've been Klonopin free.  I thought I was over it ... but my wonderful husband found an ongoing thread from people who are having bad withdrawal symtoms from the drug.  You can find it here.  I have a lot of the symtoms they talk about ... so part of me thinks it may be the problem.  Part of me wants to go back on it just to get rid of this shit.

I'm glad I have group tomorrow.  I'm definitely going to see the pschiatrist and speak to him about all these symtoms (arm jerked just now) and make sure it's not one of the drugs I'm currently taking.  Another good reason to be in the group situation for depression/anxiety.   Although this coming week is supposedly my last (due to insurance reasons).  We'll see what happens ...

I say ... and you think ...

1. Omelette :: Cheese
2. Classic ::  Film
3. Thrifty :: Simple
4. Search :: Find
5. Fan :: Amaya
6. Fussy :: Baby
7. I am not :: Lazy
8. Indulge :: Spoil
9. Poor :: Soil
10. Manicure :: Waste

I've been working on Amaya's birth sampler for what seems like forever.  I was really burnt out on in so I decided to do a rotation and grab my Mirabilia "Autumn in My Garden"  (click title to see finished image).  I figured since it's chilly out and autumn is just around the corner it'd be a good time to stitch on it. 

I love the feel of the needle going in and out of the fabric...making those tiny x's.  It's my form of painting, although it's much slower going.  To see a picture form before your eyes... with just little x's. 


I plan on working on this one for a week and going back to the birth sampler next week.  I decided it's going to be a Yule present instead of a birthday present.  I don't like pushing myself when it comes to cross stitch.  It's a relaxing hobby so why add pressure to it in any way?  When I feel pressured to finish a piece I enevitably screw up something and end up ripping out a bunch of threads.  It doesn't make for a happy stitcher.

So...I shall go back...take needle to fabric and relax for awhile...

Today, on my way home from group, I saw three little fawns standing in the woods. I take a small, mountainous road rather than the busy highway... it's a more peaceful and less stressful drive. I rounded a bend in the road and one of the little one's was getting ready to cross in front of me. I came to a complete stop and looked to my left and there were two others standing not far from the first.

For a moment or two we all looked at each other. I had my window down and asked them where their mama was before heading on. I keep telling myself to bring my camera on this ride, and I reminded myself again what beautiful pictures I could get.

Since deer showed up in my life, in multiples no less, I looked up deer totem to see what they were trying to tell me. I found my answer from a totem page here and The cycle of life. Gentleness seems to be the running thread and being fawns I figure I need to take baby steps to get back into nature and all it has to offer. Which brings me to...

Wishcasting Wednesday where Jamie asks the question "What do you wish to learn?"

Being the curious type this is a hard question to answer because I'm always wanting to learn new things. I've gotten back to a point where the little child in me wants to explore new avenues, create more art work of various forms, to delve back head first into my spirituality. On and on with the learning process. So this question causes me to pause and think about what is really important and what I really wish to learn. To put it all out there and see what the world gives me as an answer to my wishes. Sooo....here goes....

1. I really would love to learn to knit and crochet. It's been something I've been wanting to learn for years and years now. Maybe I can check to see if Michael's or some other place is having some sort of class for doing it.
2. I want to learn to paint with oil paints. Another creative endeavor I've wanted to do for years and years. I just never put it out there.
3. I want to learn more about myself and what makes me tick. To get into the nitty gritty and get it healed. It'll still be there, but it won't hurt as badly. I realize this will be an ongoing process throughout my life.
4. I want to learn how to be more in the moment. Learning how to meditate is another wish I've had for many years. Also getting back into my yoga practice to stretch out these muscles that are starting to get so tight.
5. I want to learn more about the Goddess and explore my beliefs more. I've let them fall to the wayside for over a year now. I feel a need to get back into the cycle of life.

I'm going to keep my list short and sweet for right now. I don't want to overwhelm myself by having a huge list. So, I've released my wishes to the world...let's see what happens on this lucky day of 09/09/09.

1. Abusive :: father
2. Psychotic :: shame
3. Parents :: dysfunctional
4. Yell :: cringe
5. Amulet :: strength
6. Sandstorm :: dessert
7. Amusement :: ride
8. Imitation :: fake
9. Baby :: Amaya
10. Rainbows :: happiness
    

Ugh…the first four brought up bad memories…but it’s okay…reminds me there are still buttons to be worked on.

1. Spinning :: Yarn
2. Impasse :: Fight
3. Gravy :: Mash potatoes
4. You are:: Here
5. September:: Fall
6. Divulge:: Secret
7. Training:: Pants
8. Crap! :: -ola
9. Results:: Problems
10. Shutting Down:: Depressed

My daughter and eleven month old granddaughter are making the six hour drive back to Virginia as I write. I, on the other hand, am left with a huge, empty spot where they were while here.

I'm trying to keep myself busy so I won't start to spiral into depression. Hence, a blog, a place to write down what's going on. To talk openly about my depression and anxiety and the on going healing journey I'm on.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now, there's an empty hole which I need to fill and I'm not so sure I know how to do it. I feel the tears welling up...but hold them back...afraid I won't be able to stop once it starts.

I put the toys away in the chest behind the couch, and emptied the refrigerator of the half filled baby food jars which were left. I can still smell "baby" in the house though and it makes me sad my little Amaya is gone.

Especially now with her changing so much from week to week. The next I'll see her is late September for her first birthday. Will she be walking by then? Will she remember who I am this time without taking a couple of hours to "warm up" to me? What new words or silly expressions will she have learned in those three weeks?

My girls left a couple hours ago and I'm missing them so much already.....